Chavez to Release Exercise Video

Caracas -- Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is releasing an exercise video.

Hot on the heels of his headline-making advice to all Venezuelans to exercise and lose weight by eating rice pasta, drinking soy milk and doing sit ups, the newly health-conscious maximum leader says he is determined to see his people eat less and slim down.

"Sweating the Bolivarian Revolution" will be released in time for mandatory purchase for the holidays.

It features Chavez admonishing a group of government ministers to do more sit ups, brandishing his revolver as frightened children drink their soy milk, and punching an object that resembles a heavy boxing bag, but is clearly wriggling and gasping, among other activities.

Making cameo appearances in the video are a bare-chested Russian Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and actor Sean Penn, who compliments Chavez from close range on how much smaller his posterior looks now that he has lost some weight.

Venezuela's last-remaining television station has agreed to play Chavez's new video every morning, after lunch, and after dinner hours in the South American nation.

The new video, a government minister said today, will be available in BetaMax and reel-to-reel formats, suitable for home use by most patriotic Venezuelans.

A DVD version, the minister added, will be given out free with every fill up at all Citgo stations in North America.

White House Says Stimulus Package "Saved" Jobs, and Human Race

Washington, D.C. -- In a press conference this afternoon designed to rebut mounting charges that the government's unprecedented spending and increases in federal debt have hurt rather than helped the economy, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that the government's "stimulus package" has prevented things "from being much, much worse."

"Namely, it has prevented the end of the world," said Gibbs to reporters. Audible gasps were heard in the room, mostly from Fox News Senior White House Correspondent Major Garrett.

"We have learned from sources inside the CIA that aliens were incensed with the policies of the previous administration," said Gibbs. "If we had not acted to take more control of private industry and increase spending immediately, death rays would have wiped out most of the planet. This comes in addition to all of those jobs the stimulus package saved."

Many White House reporters were seen nodding in apparent agreement.

Gibbs noted that this was the "real reason" for President Obama being awarded the Nobel Prize.

The Nobel Peace Prize Committee, Gibbs explained, "has always had several members from outer space."

To mollify the alienated aliens, Gibbs said, $300 million for anal probe equipment was carefully inserted into the stimulus package at the last minute. The line item notes it was provided to an innocuous-sounding "J. Smith Excavations" in Durbin, West Virginia.

Thanks to "highly targeted policies like these" said Gibbs, President Obama has not only improved our standing in the world community, but also, now, in the galactic community."

The press conference ended suddenly however, when an unusual looking reporter asked Gibbs why President Obama was not supporting rebel forces "fighting for fair elections on Sargon 5." Gibbs departed hurriedly without answering the question.

Epstein Reportedly Signed Beatles Deal with Satan; McCartney, Starr Said Horrified

Liverpool, England -- The late former manager of the Beatles, Brian Epstein, signed a secret pact with the Devil in 1962, binding the Beatles to eternal damnation in exchange for remarkable success while alive. This according to excerpts of newly discovered documents published in the Liverpool News.

The documents, while still being examined by Catholic priests, Protestant ministers and local attorneys familiar with such contracts, have explanatory power, say some experts.

"No doubt, this would explain not only the mind-boggling success of the Beatles throughout the 1960s," said Gordon Flackner, music critic and expert on paranormal phenomena, "but also the constant string of discovered studio tapes leading to new albums, and now, the new Beatles Rock Band video game and successfully reissued Revolver album, both released an incredible 40 years after the breakup of the band."

McCartney, reached at his home in England, is reported to have first said "Poor George, Poor John." Then retorted with, "Well, how do you explain Heather then?" apparently referring to his ex-wife Heather Mills.

He has since gone into seclusion with Catholic priests, Protestant ministers and attorneys familiar with such contracts to see if there are any escape clauses.

Ringo Starr, reached at a local bar in Los Angeles, is reported to have spit out his drink, and then retorted "How do you explain Wings then?" an apparent reference to McCartney's old band.

Starr has reportedly since gone into seclusion at the Playboy mansion.

George Martin, the legendary music producer whose wizardy helped the Beatles work studio magic, and embed secret messages into their songs, simply said "no comment" when reached at a Black Mass held in a farmhouse just outside London.

Bernanke Declares One Form of Inflation Under Control

Newport, Rhode Island -- In a hastily organized news conference held on the docks of an exclusive local yacht club, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today declared one form of inflation "under control."

"As a result of the fast action of our board of governors, 'sub-core, bracket 3-sensitive inflation' is under control," said Bernanke, who is vacationing in the famed nautical paradise for the christening of his new 60-foot yacht, "The Mighty Dollar."

When asked by reporters to define "sub-core, bracket 3-sensitive inflation," Bernanke noted that it of course excludes the price of food and oil, which are not considered by the Fed in its mission against so-called "core inflation." Runaway price spikes in these two areas in recent months have brought the Fed under some political fire from advocates for the middle class.

This particular form of inflation also excludes, he noted, "the cost of electricity, natural gas, pharmaceuticals, medical care, and baseball tickets."

What it does include, Bernanke noted, are prices in a specific economic bracket targeted by a special subcommittee of Fed governors. Those include, he noted, "luxury automobiles, second homes in the Caribbean, third homes in the Pacific Rim, domestic help and mahogany conference tables." By a series of discount window maneuvers and other "highly targeted" policies, these prices are now under control, he said.

Bernanke declined to explain these policies in any further detail, claiming he had to depart to a local wine and spirits shop to pick up "some bubbly" for his yacht's maiden voyage.

Fed to Bailout Bernanke Buddy's Ice Cream Chain

Washington, D.C. -- Citing the need to avoid a "systemic threat" from an entity "too big to fail," Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today announced that the Federal Reserve will guarantee 98 percent of the debts of Bernanke's 400-lb. next-door neighbor Rolf Bergstremm.

Bergstremm owns a chain of ice cream shoppes in the Washington Beltway region and just recently purchased a new Mercedes Benz. However, a contentious divorce from his second wife, Marta, has left Bergstremm "underfunded," "overweight" and "at risk," said Bernanke today, in a hastily called press conference at the Congressional Golf Club.

According to reports in the Washington Times, Bergstremm has been eating through his entire supply of Rolf's Rocky Road since Marta left him in January of last year.

"I believe that Bergstremm's potential failure, heart or otherwise, could have a ripple effect throughout the dairy industry supply chain, and ultimately, the banking system," said Bernanke, while driving crisp seven iron shots 140 yards on the driving range.

As part of the deal, Bergstremm's Ice Cream Shoppes will be bought out by Unilever for $99. The company, which owns the Ben & Jerry's brand of ice cream and frozen yogurt products, has also agreed to assume Bergstremm's next six months of payments on the Mercedes.

A-Rod Goes to War

New York City -- Citing the need to live for something greater than himself, Alex Rodriguez is taking a leave of absence from baseball to join the United States military.

"I've decided the time has come to serve my country in the Middle East. I will begin my training to fly a B-52 bomber next week," said the 11-time All Star at a hastily arranged press conference in midtown Manhattan.

"It's time for me to make a difference where it really matters," said the formerly free-agent slugger. "I'm off the baseball market, for now."

Reached at a Florida hospital where he is recovering from a stroke, Rodriguez's agent Scott Boras declined comment. According to a source close to Boras, he was buying a new yacht when he got the call from his top client.

If he follows through, A-Rod will continue in the great tradition of American baseball players who went to fight in World War II, such as Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio. Those players returned from the war to continue their careers, and hit well in the playoffs.