Washington, D.C. -- Citing the need to avoid a "systemic threat" from an entity "too big to fail," Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today announced that the Federal Reserve will guarantee 98 percent of the debts of Bernanke's 400-lb. next-door neighbor Rolf Bergstremm.
Bergstremm owns a chain of ice cream shoppes in the Washington Beltway region and just recently purchased a new Mercedes Benz. However, a contentious divorce from his second wife, Marta, has left Bergstremm "underfunded," "overweight" and "at risk," said Bernanke today, in a hastily called press conference at the Congressional Golf Club.
According to reports in the Washington Times, Bergstremm has been eating through his entire supply of Rolf's Rocky Road since Marta left him in January of last year.
"I believe that Bergstremm's potential failure, heart or otherwise, could have a ripple effect throughout the dairy industry supply chain, and ultimately, the banking system," said Bernanke, while driving crisp seven iron shots 140 yards on the driving range.
As part of the deal, Bergstremm's Ice Cream Shoppes will be bought out by Unilever for $99. The company, which owns the Ben & Jerry's brand of ice cream and frozen yogurt products, has also agreed to assume Bergstremm's next six months of payments on the Mercedes.
