Bernanke Declares One Form of Inflation Under Control

Newport, Rhode Island -- In a hastily organized news conference held on the docks of an exclusive local yacht club, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today declared one form of inflation "under control."

"As a result of the fast action of our board of governors, 'sub-core, bracket 3-sensitive inflation' is under control," said Bernanke, who is vacationing in the famed nautical paradise for the christening of his new 60-foot yacht, "The Mighty Dollar."

When asked by reporters to define "sub-core, bracket 3-sensitive inflation," Bernanke noted that it of course excludes the price of food and oil, which are not considered by the Fed in its mission against so-called "core inflation." Runaway price spikes in these two areas in recent months have brought the Fed under some political fire from advocates for the middle class.

This particular form of inflation also excludes, he noted, "the cost of electricity, natural gas, pharmaceuticals, medical care, and baseball tickets."

What it does include, Bernanke noted, are prices in a specific economic bracket targeted by a special subcommittee of Fed governors. Those include, he noted, "luxury automobiles, second homes in the Caribbean, third homes in the Pacific Rim, domestic help and mahogany conference tables." By a series of discount window maneuvers and other "highly targeted" policies, these prices are now under control, he said.

Bernanke declined to explain these policies in any further detail, claiming he had to depart to a local wine and spirits shop to pick up "some bubbly" for his yacht's maiden voyage.

Fed to Bailout Bernanke Buddy's Ice Cream Chain

Washington, D.C. -- Citing the need to avoid a "systemic threat" from an entity "too big to fail," Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today announced that the Federal Reserve will guarantee 98 percent of the debts of Bernanke's 400-lb. next-door neighbor Rolf Bergstremm.

Bergstremm owns a chain of ice cream shoppes in the Washington Beltway region and just recently purchased a new Mercedes Benz. However, a contentious divorce from his second wife, Marta, has left Bergstremm "underfunded," "overweight" and "at risk," said Bernanke today, in a hastily called press conference at the Congressional Golf Club.

According to reports in the Washington Times, Bergstremm has been eating through his entire supply of Rolf's Rocky Road since Marta left him in January of last year.

"I believe that Bergstremm's potential failure, heart or otherwise, could have a ripple effect throughout the dairy industry supply chain, and ultimately, the banking system," said Bernanke, while driving crisp seven iron shots 140 yards on the driving range.

As part of the deal, Bergstremm's Ice Cream Shoppes will be bought out by Unilever for $99. The company, which owns the Ben & Jerry's brand of ice cream and frozen yogurt products, has also agreed to assume Bergstremm's next six months of payments on the Mercedes.

A-Rod Goes to War

New York City -- Citing the need to live for something greater than himself, Alex Rodriguez is taking a leave of absence from baseball to join the United States military.

"I've decided the time has come to serve my country in the Middle East. I will begin my training to fly a B-52 bomber next week," said the 11-time All Star at a hastily arranged press conference in midtown Manhattan.

"It's time for me to make a difference where it really matters," said the formerly free-agent slugger. "I'm off the baseball market, for now."

Reached at a Florida hospital where he is recovering from a stroke, Rodriguez's agent Scott Boras declined comment. According to a source close to Boras, he was buying a new yacht when he got the call from his top client.

If he follows through, A-Rod will continue in the great tradition of American baseball players who went to fight in World War II, such as Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio. Those players returned from the war to continue their careers, and hit well in the playoffs.